It wasn’t the first time I had heard this statement…

It is undeniable that a male parent has the biggest influence on a child’s beliefs and behaviours, but my generation has had ample opportunity to find, and seek out good role models. So why are so many men lacking so many things?

One of the best books I have read about masculinity is The Descent of Man by Grayson Perry. He talks so brilliantly about how social pressure shapes male behaviour, and how much of the expectations are outdated norms. This is often harmful to the men and others receiving their behaviour.

Many traits associated with masculinity (strength, dominance, emotional suppression) were adaptive in older historical survivalist contexts, but are unhelpful now. Society often prizes masculine performance even when the world doesn’t demand or reward those traits in the same way.

In many ways it is comparable to what people see as ‘success’. The default view of success is money, homes, cars and things. But the majority of people know that this really isn’t success. Family, health, purpose, time and real relationships will always trump material things. So why haven’t we updated the metrics with which we judge success. Many will swoon at a Lamborghini driving past but few will do the same when they see a couple holding hands and in love.

If you are a man pressured by masculine expectations, be that from a parent, a friendship group, a job or a hobby, I urge you to assess what this is doing for you. Is it helping you achieve goals? does it improve relationships? or do you feel like you are always bringing a gun to a knife fight?

As part of this assessment it would be healthy to look at what objects, clothing or rituals play into shaping your view of masculinity. Sometimes subtle habits can shape our character. I always felt like I had to act tough with certain friends. I soon realised that they were not bringing out a side to me that was helpful, or aligned to my goals. Regrettably I had to move on from them.

The re-defining of masculinity has many other indirect benefits. When looking at friendships and relationships, re-draw lines around intimacy and move outside of those rigid stereotypes. In a traditional relationship, a man should be everything to a woman. A helper, a supporter, a protector, a sound board, an advisor, a listener, a learner, a lover, a friend, a cheerleader and a teacher. Do not narrow your lane and be imprisoned by masculine expectations.

Shared humanity and humility are powerful traits that modern men should have.

Men deserve the right to be uncertain, the right to feel and other moves towards emotional honesty.

Join me on this quest, and re-define the ‘Manifesto for Men’